I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
