so that wasnt chicken after all
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I didn't notice because vodka
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize