i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Come on in and take your pants off
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