dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
