Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
