Don't make out with my wife yet
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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