Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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