you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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