I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
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