i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
