Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
