just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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