if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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