im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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