kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
