Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We are all done wearing pants today
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
