i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
