I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
