I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
