You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
