I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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