if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize