Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
