I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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