I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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