So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
