When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
