I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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