I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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