you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
