You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
