He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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