Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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