She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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