I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
