i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
