the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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