I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
