He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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