No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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