how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
