Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
