On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
