Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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