I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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