Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Semen is not good for contacts.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
