People in love make me want to vomit
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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