I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
