Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
