Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just tell him i said nine months
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
