Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
