yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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