i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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