my shit smells like andre
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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