I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
