If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
