Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
