I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
