I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
