theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
