My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
