2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
